apparently the secret to your success is patron
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
