did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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