I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just want nice things and good sex
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
