Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
