I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
