Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
