I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
