My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
