I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
