2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
