i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
