I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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