1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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