Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
