it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
