I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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