Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
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I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
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You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
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