You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
