I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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