I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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