everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
