Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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