Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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