Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
