I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
