I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
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people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
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My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"