If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
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My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
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The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.