I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
