Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?