Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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