I threw up into my coffee this morning.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
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I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
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If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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