I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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