mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
