I wish my penis had an off switch
I wish I only lived at night.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
