Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
