I wish life had little blips of pornography
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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