Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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