I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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