The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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