Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
