Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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