we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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