i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
