I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
