I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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