im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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