we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
