Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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