He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
