Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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