is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
