a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
