Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
