i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm getting married
To pizza
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
