we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
