Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
