We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
