You just made me feel so damn special
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
