Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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