My nipple is on Facebook.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The best revenge is premature balding
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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