Jerry, you need to find god
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
